Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
the official breakfast of 2021
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]