Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*