The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
That lamp looks PISSED.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Cool shirt 🙂
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.