I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
BRO LMFAO
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Do not levitate over flowers
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
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when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda