I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
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My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
how it started vs how it ended
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.