My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Body by Oreos
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
ok this is my dumbest yet