Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
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Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Hey i am sexy to you now
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”