No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.