Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Proctology is located in A55
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars