How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
You Might Also Like
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.