friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh