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*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A short story of betrayal:
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
guys I’m going home
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot