10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I hope they boil the right one.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.