One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
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cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….