me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
…..pretty much.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving