My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
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You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.