My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Discuss
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.