Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
😂😂😂
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery