most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
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If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Did…did a minotaur write this
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S