Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
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I’m giving up for Lent.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Breaking news:
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then