Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
and now we wait
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.