Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You Might Also Like
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.