tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
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DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again