scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
One venti cheeseburger please.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
#SuperBowl
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.