Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”