I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
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cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.