My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My time has come.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.