If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
sir, my pâté if you please
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”