my father died in a conga line and so shall i
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Happy Febuary everyone!
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.