Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
ouch
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.