There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.