do u think theres a butter planet?
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I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Cause of death: Zumba
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
philosophical skeletons be like
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT