in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.