My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
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Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.