Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious