Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
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Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers