Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
You Might Also Like
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“what that mouth do?” complain
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.