Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.