Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
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[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
How I’d get arrested…
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
This is me 🤣🤣
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!