[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
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Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Tony Hawk, age 6
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time