Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary