“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.