omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
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One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.