Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.