“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
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thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Why I divorced her.
Ok but actually
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?