This was a bad idea all around
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda