“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?