Software Development ⛵️
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020