YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
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If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.