You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
the world’s most popular steaming services
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
PLOT TWIST:
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god